When Crocodiles Climb Trees—and Governments

Wazzup Pilipinas!?

Scientists have just confirmed what Filipinos have known for decades: crocodiles are far more adaptable than we give them credit for. A new study by Vladimir Dinets and colleagues reveals that crocodiles in Africa, Australia, and North America can scale trees, reaching up to four meters above ground—a feat once thought impossible.

The international scientific community was stunned. But here in the Philippines? We just shrugged.

“Tree-climbing crocodiles?” Hah! That’s child’s play.

Our crocodiles climb budgets, climb positions, climb government hierarchies—heck, they even climb to Malacañang.

Science vs. Philippine Reality

According to Dinets’ research, crocodiles climb trees to bask in the sun, to feel safe, or to get a better view of their environment. Noble, even admirable reasons.

But in the Philippines, our crocodiles don’t climb for survival. They climb to:

Approve flood control projects that mysteriously don’t exist.

Pocket billions in taxpayers’ money without breaking a sweat.

Reach the top branches of power, where the fruits aren’t mangoes but overpriced contracts.

Here, crocodiles don’t just perch quietly—they hold press conferences, kiss babies during campaign season, and boast about their “rags-to-riches” story (translation: from flip-flops to Ferraris).

Crocodiles in Luxury

A tree? Cute. Our crocs climb into:

Luxury SUVs with bodyguards in tow

Mansions with Italian tiles

Senate seats padded with pork barrel funds

Yours climb branches. Ours climb the national budget and turn it into designer belts, imported watches, and bags that cost more than the average family’s yearly income.

In the wild, crocodiles sunbathe.

In the Philippines, crocodiles sunbathe in Boracay resorts—while taxpayers foot the bill.

Evolutionary Advantages

If evolution is about adaptation, Filipino crocodiles are the undisputed winners. Why?

They can turn ghost projects into real mansions.

They can make trillions vanish with just a pen stroke—no need for sleight of hand, just government signatures.

They’ve mastered the ultimate camouflage: wearing a barong or a suit and tie and calling themselves “public servants.”

In fact, one species even made it all the way to the Hague—proof that our crocodiles aren’t just local predators, but world-class performers.

The Punchline

Dinets’ study concludes that crocodiles are resourceful, clever, and surprisingly skilled. And we agree. But he should really expand his research to Southeast Asia—because here in the Philippines, crocodiles don’t just climb trees.

They climb entire governments.

And unlike the wild kind, ours don’t scare us anymore. Worse—they win elections, sign budgets, and make magic. The kind of magic where billions vanish from flood control projects… and reappear as Lamborghinis, Rolexes, and beachfront estates.

So yes, science has spoken: crocodiles can climb.

But politics in the Philippines has proven: crocodiles can rule.

Question is: who’s really more dangerous—the crocs in the swamps, or the ones in the government?

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