Wazzup Pilipinas!
"You know what Summer, you've
changed a lot." If I got a dollar for every time I hear those words, I'd
probably be swimming in money right now.
"You're not like that before, what
happened to you?" asked my friend.
"Weren't you informed? Change is inevitable."
I answered laughing. Honestly, I'm tired of answering their questions―
questions which I'm pretty sure they know the answers.
"BUT we miss you," I stopped and glanced at her,
"We miss your crazy antics, your irritating laugh, and your everything― everything you were before. When will
"our" Summer come back?"
"Girls, cheer up! It's still me,
it's not like I grew another pair of eyes. Besides, you'll get used to
it."
 |
If it weren't for you, things would have
not turned out like this. If you didn't leave me, maybe things would still be
the same. I would still be the same old Summer.
 |
"Summer, take a break. You need it.
We can handle everything here." I'm here at a charity event hosted by the
company I am currently working for. Everyone's working their ass off. And this
is what keeps me sane since you left.
"Look, I'm perfectly fine, okay?
Besides, I'm helping you out! We are being too ungrateful, aren't we?" I
answered chuckling.
"That's not my point! What I am
trying to say is that you're stressing yourself too much. I know you have
personal issues and all but, please take care of yourself, Summer. We care for
you." I guess she's right. I can't even remember the last time I had a
good night's sleep after what happened.
|
Are you
happy now? Now that I am miserable? Is this what you want?
I walked around the venue since they kind
of kicked me out in there and to relax a little. I was heading to the garden
when I saw you and your friends. How can I forget that we work on the same
company? Seeing you wouldn't be impossible! I heard you were talking, so being
the good girl here, I eavesdropped.
"So, bro, when are planning to date
that new girl from the other department?" asked your friend.
"I don't know." You said. My
man of few words.
"Are you even serious with her,
bro?" asked your other friend.
"I don't really know." WHAT IS
WRONG WITH YOU?
"Really, dude? Don't you think it's
still Summer?" If only I could strangle these guys to death. Ugh.
"Maybe."
Now that made me stop.
|
What's with you? How can you make me feel
this way? Why can't I stop loving you, despite all the pain that you've caused
me? Why is it so hard for me to say 'no' to you? Why do things seem so real
when it came from you? Why do I still believe you when I know I shouldn't? Why?
|
I left because I couldn't contain what I
am feeling anymore. After all those words, I just don't know.
Sometimes I ask
myself, "What is wrong with me that all the people I love leave me?"
First, my dad left mom and I for another girl. Then, there was you.
After the event, I went home feeling
empty as usual.
"Darling..."
"Mom..."
"Come here, baby." Really, mom?
Baby? I'm 22. "Sit beside me." I do as I was told, "Sorry. Sorry
for being the bad witch in your fairytale. Sorry if your dad and I weren't the
good parents you dreamed of having."
Mom said while sobbing. "I miss
you, baby. I miss my little girl." She said while caressing my hair.
I hate scenarios like this so I just
hugged her. I didn't say anything. I don't want to say something that would
hurt her. I want her to feel that I can perfectly understand her.
I don't want to hurt her; she's all
that's left of me.
|
Every night
I cry myself to sleep, thinking why these things happen to me. I don't know
when I'll run of tears. But do you know what I am most unsure of? It is when I
will get over you and accept the fact that you don't really love me anymore.
"Hey, Summer, Cascade was looking
for you." I was greeted by my officemate with that. My heart skipped a
beat. But I didn't let anyone that I'm affected by what I heard.
|
Are you coming back? Do you finally
realize that you still love me? When will I run out of questions for you?
|
"Stop it, Summer. You haven't even
gotten out of the hell hole yet here you are again, taking the risk." Said
my friend.
Maybe she's right. Maybe this is just
another false hope.
|
When will
you come back?
I was about to enter my car when someone
held my hand,
"Summer..."
"Oh, Cascade. What brought you
here?"
"How are you, Sam?" I gave him
a faint smile. Hearing him say the nickname he gave me still has the same
effect on me. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything."
"It's fine, Cas." I don't
really know what to say. I don't even know what you're apologizing for.
Now that you're here, it feels like I got
what I wanted, but I know this is not what I needed.
"So, why were you looking for me
again?"
"Nothing. I just missed you,
Sam." You smiled at me like nothing happened. I can't remember the last
time I saw that smile but one thing is for sure, that smile could light up a
whole town.
|
What is happening?
Your presence made me realize a lot of things. Maybe the reason I am always
left alone is because you always leave me alone.
"Sam, I'm hoping for another
chance." I saw this coming. Yes, I've waited for it, but it doesn't feel
right anymore.
"But Cas, you know that nothing's
the same anymore, right? Everything has changed."
"I know... but--"
I cut him off. "People told me that
I've changed a lot since you left. And it has been what? 18 months. 18 months
of pure damnation. Nothing's worth the risk anymore, Cas. How many times have
you left me? Every time you left, you bring a part of me and you never give it
back. I'm sorry; I'm no Augustus Waters, Cas. It's not a privilege to have my
heart broken by you, not anymore." He was listening carefully to my
litany.
"You've taken away a big part of me,
I'd probably lose myself the second time. Every time you leave, I ask myself,
"What is wrong with me? Why do you have to leave?" I smiled bitterly
at that thought. "What is, Cascade? Why do people I love always
leave?"
"Summer..." I know you can't answer me. You can't answer
my questions.
"I'm sorry, Cascade. This isn't
going to work out now. Maybe in another life, in another lifetime, but not
now." I immediately wipe my tears off my cheeks.
|
Maybe it's not my fault, maybe it's his.
Or maybe, neither. Maybe it's the time that is wrong. Maybe it's not me.
|
"Did you know that I prepared for
this day? The day where you will face and talk to me again. I had lots of
questions to throw you but then right now, I don't really know what to
say."
"Summer, I hope you know that I
loved you," I stood up and faced you, "If you can't really accept me
in your life anymore, at least be happy. Just be happy, my Sam. Be happy
for yourself, for your mom, for all those who care for you, and for me. Be
happy for me so I can forgive myself for all the pain I've cause you,
Summer."
I hugged him for the last time,
"Thanks for everything, Cas. Everything's gonna to be alright, maybe not
today, but soon I know it will. And the next time you fall in love, don't ever
leave her, Cascade." I bid my goodbye and cried my heart out.
Yes, maybe I've changed. And maybe it's
not being alone that changed me, maybe it's those things that people have
brought with them. Those memories of happiness that will no longer happen, and
those hopes of forever that were taken for granted.
Maybe I need to find myself first. Maybe
being alone will help me find what I truly need to be. And who knows, maybe on
the road of finding myself I meet someone who's going to find it for me. Maybe,
just maybe.
Contributed by Kaye Labastida
Ross is known as the Pambansang Blogger ng Pilipinas - An Information and Communication Technology (ICT) Professional by profession and a Social Media Evangelist by heart.
Post a Comment